Tuesday, June 03, 2008
I haven't always been so obsessed with music. It was about a year ago that I really started to enjoy music more. When my sister Kelly relapsed with cancer in October of 2007, music became an escape for me. As I started at a new school, and things started to change, it became a necessity. It was one thing that didn't change. I could listen to a song on repeat for an hour, and it would still be the same song. And, it was a way to block out all the conversations I didn't want to hear, or a way for me to concentrate on something besides the cancer. When we finally got to go home after five months, music was my life. I couldn't go through a day without listening to it. It became something I desperately needed. We were home for a few days, and then my sister had to be admitted in to the hospital. Things started to go very wrong. They told us that she was dying, and we only had a few more days left with her. My oldest sister came with my two nephews so she could see Kelly. That hospital room was terrifying for me. I knew what was going to happen, and I couldn't believe it. So I distracted myself. I let my two-year old nephew drag me around the halls of the hospital and ran around with him. He was my escape for those few days. When she first went in to the hospital, I abandoned my basement bedroom and slept on our couch. I couldn't stand being so isolated down stairs. So, I would fall asleep listening to music or watching music videos on Vh1. Again, it was a way to keep my mind focused on something other than the cancer. When Kelly passed away on March 17th, music became so much more to me. It was my therapy. Because, again, it was always there. I started listening to more and more of it. My nephew was also a distraction again. While my parents and my oldest sister planned the funeral, I kept an eye on him and played with him. And then after the funeral, they left, and the flow of people stopped too. But the music kept playing. That's when I started using it even more as a way to get to sleep at night. Even now, I can hardly go to sleep without it. Certain songs can get me through the days that are just filled with reminders of Kelly and hard times, and other songs just get my mind off of everything that's going on. But it's always a way to escape, or to just make a day better. Because, when I find a new song that I absolutely am in love with, it does really make my day better. Music is my therapy, and I can't live without it.